Dear diary

It was initially supposed to be a make up for 14 Dec post but as I write, more emotion was poured out. Pardon the mood and abrupt ending, it had been a horrible day.

Skip it if you don't want to know, you might get affected.

It was gym tuesday and I woke up with a sprained wrist. Instead of working out the arms and legs, I had to change it back to the tummy. Not that I mind anyway.

The day was fruitful. 3 hours of workout, 5 minutes of excitement.

Pardon the redness and fats. I know its not there yet. Looking at the first picture, you can see still the bulging tummy. I've only started this obsession with sit-ups and looking from it, I'll probably never stop.

It actually started because I was angry, upset and down. Not a lot of people know about it but I'll admit, I have depression before.

Like now, it feels like as if I am back to the old days, hurting myself when I am upset. Just that day (14th morning), I saw flashback of myself cutting up my arm. I am not proud of it. It's like some black hollow hole that is sucking me up. Even when you feel the skin split apart and see the blood flow, it still cannot be compared with the empty feeling inside. But at least, it was some form of release. Some way to show that, hey I am still alive and breathing.

It is bad, it is mean especially to the body and soul but people deal with their emotions and pain differently. This is how I do it when I was younger. Then the arm got numb from all of it, I couldn't even feel the pain from the mutilation anymore. Even so, I continued but I made effort to treated the body better. I promised myself that even if I was hurting my body, I wouldn't let the wounds get infected. Idk what happen but it's like I was watching myself from afar, like a third person's view. I became careful with whatever I used. I had my collection of blades which I maintained but once it's rusty, that's off you go. It felt like I was hurting myself with a clear mind. Strange but yeah, I am glad I did take care of the body in the end.

Then I grew out of the phase. I was glad and so much better. A few years went by, then I was back to it again. That's when I started having stress while in a relationship with Kenneth. I know everyone thinking we are loving. And yes, we were. Like I've always said, he is probably the best I could ever have.

We never had any of the small fights that couples have. When I told people about it, they said we were abnormal. But it's because we give and take, we tolerate each other. It was as if we were living for each other, just for each other.

But the worst that I feared did come in the end. It was the biggest obstacle of our life. It was a matter deceiving, trust and then he revealed the worst, his parents wanted to separate us. We were all under a lot of stress. It got so bad that I threaten to kill myself. Yes, I was at my weakest moment. It was horrible, something I will never ever in my entire life, want to go through again. Then from there on, whenever I was down or under a lot of stress, I started hurting myself again. But no, it wasn't the blades. I used what we all have, the fingernails. It felt like I was trying to skin my hands. The blood probably wasn't as much as the blades but it gives the same form of release. But the aftermath was disgusting. You'll have plenty of scratches, (some with blood, some without) all over the hands. It will like this even after the night past. I had to cover up with the long sleeves and jacket. It was bad thinking whether I will get infection from them. One moment of release lead to so much trouble.

Then we got over it, every thing was pretty normal. Fast forward to now, we left each other. I lost the man I was living for. I went crazy. I did horrible things. September was the worst month of my life. While people were thinking I was happily drinking and mixing around with all the weird people that they could never associate me with, I was trying to drown the pain. Fooling around with them was a form of release. It was fun to entertain people, watch them laugh at you and then laughed back at yourself. I wanted to feel loved and I did, but for that moment only and nothing more. Okay, some of them probably still love me now. Hahaha. Nothing was serious, everybody was fooling around. Thinking back, it was stupid but it was still funny that we did all the crazy things together.

Now, the new way of hurting myself? Exercise and starvation. If I have the entire day free (like tuesday), I'll exercise the entire morning without break then take a small breakfast like half a potato then head for a shower. After that, it will be exercise again till the body screams hunger and give up. By then, still denying the body food, I'll cool down and head for a nap. Then wake up, exercise, have a light dinner, rest and exercise again.

It's mean, I know. Over-exercising and starvation are just other ways I am doing to hurt the body. Just today, I did it again. I was out with Clement when the body was rejecting my plan. Gastric problem was back again. A problem I've got since I was young, probably inherited from my gone-dad. As if the migraine and period wasn't draining enough, I went weak from the vomit and then got dizzy. I was glad that he never left me there cause if he did, I'll probably go back to the scratching-mutilation. Idk, I've been very weird lately wanting everyone's attention. It's probably because the person who is suppose to give me his attention, has given everything to his career and own social life. Abandon, neglected. No wonder I am behaving weirdly.

Those people who were wondering if I was on a diet, let me tell you. I will never starve myself just to lose weight. It is stupid cause you'll gain it back every soon again. And it is stupid to even hurt yourself in the first place, so people, please don't do it. Use other ways to vent your anger or frustration, never do it my way.

If I cld, I wld let go of the starvation and mutilation and focus on exercising. I wna see how far I can go but for now, the plan wldn't change very much just yet.

Sorry to annoy the people who cared or had your twitter spammed by my upsetting updates. Haha. Actually, I think I am much better now after crying and writing all these out. Though I cld probably never really tell everyone what happened in September but I can say there was a lot pain, drowning, harming, mistakes and stupidity. Please do not worry, its nothing illegal.

Let's just hope the days will get better.